TED 2: An Alternative Life-Path that Deliberately Ignores the Point

In an alternate universe, Ted, the adorably obscene protagonist of Seth MacFarlane’s Ted and Ted 2 films, would have had all the money. How? By embracing the celebricat lifestyle.

Like Grumpy Cat, Lil Bub, and their respective humans, Ted and his thunder-buddy-for-life John (Mark Wahlberg) could have made bank through appearances, conventions, merchandising, and the like. (No joke: The Grumpy Cat brand has grossed upwards of $100 million to date.)

© 2015 Universal Pictures

By setting up a somewhat modified pet trust — i.e., one that could provide for Ted’s needs during his life, as opposed to only after John’s death — Ted’s share of the ‘Ted’ brand proceeds could be appropriately taxed and properly protected from John, Tami-Lynn (Jessica Barth), friends (deadbeat and otherwise), and even Ted himself.

As time went on and attitudes changed, legal arguments for Ted’s personhood could be mounted. For example, something akin to the emancipation a child may seek from his/her parents — one element of which is the child’s ability to financially support him-/herself, easily satisfiable by an established ‘Ted’ brand and trust fund. Or perhaps something based in the antebellum precedent of emancipating sentient property (i.e., slaves).

© 2015 Universal Pictures

Does such a life-path miss the point of Ted 2? Absolutely.

But think of how much beer and weed, and how many sandwiches, Grumpy-Cat money could buy.

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