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I Call B.S. – TRUE BLOOD: Broken Super-Smell and Other Questions

*SPOILER ALERT*: Watch True Blood #7.1 and 7.2 before reading.
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Two cops, a shifter, a werewolf, and a half-fairy princess walk into an abandoned town…and no one smells the mass grave baking in the hot Louisiana sun? Or hears the buzzing flies teeming above and around it?

With all due respect, True Blood, I call bullshit.

Given the rampant death Bon Temps has seen over the years, Sheriff Andy (Chris Bauer) and Officer Jason (Ryan Kwanten)—not to mention the constantly-death-adjacent Sookie (Anna Paquin)—are surely familiar with the dead-body smell by now. And both Sam (Sam Trammell) and Alcide (Joe Manganiello) smelled Nicole’s (Jurnee Smollett-Bell) early-stage pregnancy at the end of Season 6 (#6.8 – “Dead Meat”). But not one of them appeared to smell the undoubtedly ripe stench of a town-size grave. (Or do completely exsanguinated bodies not smell?)

And, although I wish it weren’t so, that’s not the only bone I have to pick with Season 7’s first two episodes…

We know that many Bon Temps residents are, as Dawn (Lynn Collins) once said of Jason, “dumber than a box o’ hair” [#1.3 – “Mine”], but…

No one thinks vampires might hide in a now-abandoned, light-tight vampire bar?
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Really?! The only vampire-owned-and-operated business that we know of within driving distance, and no one thinks of it? None of Bon Temps former fang-bangers? Not even the famed vampire expert and best-selling author Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer)? That’s a mighty tough sell there, True Blood

Vince (Brett Rickaby) is the least intelligent demagogue they’ve followed yet.
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Where in the 2nd Amendment to the Constitution does it require the State to provide the aforementioned “arms”? Or say that, when the people feel it’s justified, they have a right to steal those arms from their local law enforcement? Last time I checked my pocket Constitution, neither of these clauses were to be found—and I don’t believe that even the most fervent gun-lovers could make such assertions with a straight face. So, are these rights and requirements written in invisible ink that only Vince can see?
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Also, having taken possession of ALL the town’s remaining anti-vampire armaments, why allow any one person to waste more than 3-5 bullets in target practice? Is ammo divinely replenished in the world according to Vince?
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And why is taking up arms against the Hep-V vamps (H-vamps) the only, or best, option anyway? Why not explore an additional defensive option: Any townsperson who doesn’t want to partner with a vampire protector could donate blood and then be infected with Hep-V. The blood could be stored in a protected facility (one that only unlocks during daylight hours, or uses only UV-lightbulbs, perhaps), for emergency use by healthy vampire protectors, and the Hep-V wouldn’t harm the inoculated humans—only a vampire who bites them. The H-vamps probably don’t want to drink infected blood, as it stands to reason that the greater the quantity of Hep-V in a vampire’s system, the faster they die. (Nora (Lucy Griffiths) certainly seemed to die a lot quicker than this H-vamp mob’s members.) And both defensive options seem significantly safer than going on the offensive: Putting oneself within arm’s reach of the H-vamp mob and praying you’ll be faster than they are.
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Way to once again invite lethal trouble on yourselves, Bon Temps…. In this survival-of-the-fittest world of ours, it’s kind of amazing y’all have lasted this long…but, for your own sakes, I urge you: Shoot Vince. ASAP.

Pam (Kristin Bauer van Straten) might not have abandoned her search for Eric (Alexander Skarsgård) when Tara (Rutina Wesley) died—but it almost seems like Pam doesn’t know…or doesn’t care.

While searching for her progeny Elijah’s (Keram Malicki-Sánchez) killer, Authority Chancellor Rosalyn (Carolyn Hennesy) made it abundantly clear (to Tara, of all people) that “a Maker always knows when her progeny dies. He was only one of 204, but it’s still like a cold spike in your heart.” [#5.11 – “Sunset”] So, it stands to reason that Pam must know of Tara’s demise…yet we get nothing? Not even a glimpse that pain reflected on Pam’s face? I don’t buy it. Despite repeatedly abandoning Tara for Eric, there’s no denying that Pam does (well, did) care about (and for) Tara. Pam may not be so great with feelings, but this is a hurt she can’t ignore—and her retribution should be epic.

P.S. Please give Pam some fabulously sassy one-liners STAT. Two episodes of her hangdog/in-need-of-Vampire-Prozac thing are enough—and a waste of Bauer van Straten’s flair for sarcastic scorn.

Watch True Blood (@TrueBloodHBO) Sundays @ 9PM on HBO.

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Featured Image: © 2014 HBO (Photo: Tony Rivetti)

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Sarah Katz

Sarah Katz

Born-and-bred New Yorker. Lifelong film & TV lover—from chick flicks, rom-coms, rom-droms, rom-drams, and tweentertainment, to Shakespeare, period pieces, James Bond, fairy tales, and mafia movies.