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Nintendo Direct 12.18.13 Recap – HYRULE WARRIORS, DR. LUIGI, MARIO KART 8

The Nintendo Direct from yesterday was pretty packed to the brim with new and upcoming games, balancing pretty well between the WiiU and 3DS with a few surprises here and there. Check the full video here:

 

Here’s my reaction to each of the games mentioned:

Hyrule Warriors

System: WiiU

Already done and done, son. They started off with a bang: the most interesting (and riskiest) game right up front. I have high hopes for this.

Kirby Triple Deluxe

System: 3DS

The main conceit of this is that Kirby can now change parallax planes. This riffs a mechanic from Monster Mudds Deluxe, but the 3DS may improve the effect. You also get to bonk people with bells. Merry Christmas!

There’s also 2 optional modes, often highlights of Kirby games. First, Kirby Fighters, Smash Bros-esque “which power is the best”. Correct answer: motherlovin’ Mirror. Mirror is the best.

There’s also Dedede’s Drum Dash – a rhythm game where you bounce Dedede’s fat ass on drums for coins. This is for kids, right?

Yoshi’s New Island

System: 3DS

A new Yoshi-centric game. Hey Nintendo, don’t strain yourselves coming up with the titles, gents. Slow down. It looks similar to the sugary sap of Yoshi’s Story for the N64. Yoshi also poops a gigantic egg that would tear open the anus of the universe itself.

Chibi-Robo! Photo Finder

System: 3DS

Hey, Chibi-Robo! I remember you! You’re clever and cute and underappreciated! You deserve to get pulled from the trashbin of Gamecube history and dusted off. Uses a camera mechanic. See Nintendo, this is what I mean. Do this. A weird and wholly unique game for a new generation.

Pokémon Bank and Poké Transporter

System: 3DS

Great, more Pokemon stuff. It looks like Microsoft Excel for your Pokemin addiction. Yawn. I’m just going to take a nap for the next 2 minutes or so.

Bravely Default

System: 3DS

Okay, this just flat out confuses me. The game features a powerup called “sleep points” or SP’s. You get 1 SP for every 8 non-consecutive hours the 3DS is closed while the game is running. So the game rewards you for… not playing it? They give you big stat boosts or allow you to switch gear mid-battle. Or if you actually want to, you know, play the game, you can BUY THEM WITH REAL MONEY from the eShop? So you’re paying the Nintendo eShop so you can get a stat boost from an item normally gathered by not playing your game.

This is probably the dumbest game mechanic I have ever heard of.

But they are releasing a side story as a demo for free, and you can transfer items into the main game if you purchase it. That’s pretty nice. But Sleep Points are still the most ridiculous, insane idea ever.

Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze

System: WiiU

It’s the series’ inevitable ice level. You fight Ice Vikings by playing as a giant gorilla in a tie. Oh, you can play as Cranky Kong who jumps on things with his pogo cane. I genuinely love the DKC series, so make me proud, Nintendo. There’s also these two things:

nintendo direct
That is a giant goddamn cheese wheel.
nintendo direct
That is a giant goddamn polar bear with a hammer.

 

Sonic Lost World DLC

System: WiiU

That’s gotta be embarassing. Nintendo is handling Sonic better than Sega ever did. Oof, right in the ego. This spot features 2 new DLCs for Sonic Lost World released in October. Iwata promises something unique, eh? Well, it’s actually just levels based on Nintendo franchises, and guess what, it’s Yoshi’s Story. But it’s free. The second one, hinted at with the subtlety of early morning construction, is going to be Legend of Zelda related. Is anyone else thinking Sonic is just going to become another Nintendo mascot, lovingly brought into the fold and then milked into oblivion?

Wii Sports Club

System: WiiU

It’s nice to hear the words “online” and “multiplayer” in the same sentence for Nintendo. Maybe Nintendo is actually slowly, painfully turning a corner on this major failure of theirs.

And it’s golf. The most exciting, thrilling game ever created. You use the WiiMote and WiiU tablet in conjunction, with the tablet being your golf tee, and a live visual of how you’re lining up your shot. Huh. Yet I cringe at the idea that people will be stepping on their WiiU tablets.

NES Remix

System: WiiU

It’s Nintendo’s official ROM hack. I find this a pleasant, unexpected entry into Nintendo’s online library. It’s cute, but I’m annoyed they’re only “chunks” of games, and the cost is rather steep. ($15). Clever though, and clever counts. Reports from around the interwebs confirm my suspicions: it’s a better idea in concept, but feels like it cheaply banks itself on these’s game nostalgia, not their quality. The “remixes” have a short shelf life.

Dr. Luigi

System: WiiU

It is truly the year of Luigi. Dr. Luigi, in traditional Nintendo style, a modest reiteration of a classic game. This one adds L-Shapes. This one smells a lot like Ms. Pacman, where they just took regular Pacman and slapped a bow on him. Online multiplayer also is promised, and I can see the color-changing multiplayer attack ending more relationships than adultery.

Super Smash Bros.

System: 3DS/WiiU

This segment has an interminable intro that seems to stretch into the new year. WTF AM I WATCHING. WHAT. IS. HAPPENING.

The big reveal: Rosalina is a playable fighter in the new Smash Bros. Nintendo needs to rethink what we consider an exciting announcement that warrants this type of buildup. The multi-character SMash characters are always hit and miss, so to speak, with Ice Climbers being a particularly good ideas, but Captain Olimar falling a bit flat. I like the fact another playable female character is being featured.

Mario Kart 8

System: WiiU

The last video should be the dessert, the morsel of goodness that a Nintendo Direct should build towards. Mario Kart 8 is not it. Is it just me, or is the Mario Kart series becoming less interesting and creative with each iteration? I want to see more nutballs levels, not an airport terminal. They’re blurring together like a melting puddle of ice cream.

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Carl Wilhoyte

Carl Wilhoyte

Carl Wilhoyte is the Video Games Editor of ScreenInvasion.com: a class warrior poet who writes about all things video games. He's sure everything is not under control and is not going to be okay. For a good time, follow his angry rants and smart thoughts on Twitter: @carlwilhoyte.