STORAGE 24 Blu-ray Review
I’ve been sitting at this computer for the past hour, wracking my brain as I attempt to come up with the words to adequately describe Storage 24, the British alien flick co-written by star Noel Clarke and directed by Johannes Roberts. In the film, a young man, played by Clarke, becomes trapped in a storage facility with his best friend, ex-girlfriend, her friends, and an angry alien. As they try to survive, secrets are uncovered, people reveal their true selves, and a crazy man filled with conspiracy theories makes an appearance.
I could talk about its bare bones plot, which you’ve seen it all before in some form or another. Filled with stock characters and predictable beats, most of which you see coming from a mile away. You could walk away for fifteen minutes and not miss anything, as the film’s boring relationship subplot is so thin and pointless that the only reason to continue watching it is for the hope of a clever kill or two.
Or I could talk about the pacing, which sees the alien not appear until about halfway through the film and thus forcing you to “get to know the characters” as they stumble through generic relationship platitudes that serves as little more than a cheap way to get them all together. By the time it does appear you’ve long since checked out, and can only hope for some clever kills. But they never come. They never come.
The only redeeming character is the crazy conspiracy theorist, played by Ned Dennehy, but only because he reminds me of a cross between Dr. House and Chris Elliot in that one Scary Movie where he plays a deformed butler. He’s the only character with depth, so it’s a crying shame he’s barely in the movie.
I could talk about the CGI, the necessity of which is almost non-existent given how little screentime the actual alien has. Its bipedal, with a face that looks like a gaping vagina filled with teeth. Perhaps a metaphor for the Charlie’s relationship turmoil? Maybe, but only if throughout the film’s meager 87-minute running time (and thank God it’s only that long) there was an inkling of development beyond “Why’d you dump me?” It’s likely I’m just making stuff up now in a pitiful attempt to reach an arbitrary word count, but seriously, the alien’s face does kind of look like a vagina.
Or I could talk about how Storage 24 is a prime example of laziness in the horror genre, a cheap and shoddy knock off devoid of one ounce of originality, humor, and suspense. But I think that about sums it up.
At least the Blu-ray looked good.