Groupon CEO Andrew Mason Fired, Makes BATTLETOADS Reference
Groupon CEO Andrew Mason, the baby-faced executive of the flailing portmanteau website, announced yesterday on Jottit that he was unceremoniously fired from the company he founded, loved and helped run so terribly. In his farewell address to his Grouponites, he wrote:
For those of you dropping your Xborks 720 controllers to join us grizzled, 8-bit veterans, BATTLETOADS is an infamous 1991 NES title, renown for its slick character animation, polished graphics, and utterly punishing, brutal difficulty. Think DARK SOULS with immature fart jokes and pixelated cleavage.
Given he looks like a 14 year old running a billion dollar company (he’s actually 32), this reference is just not unexpected. It’s just… weird. I get it, he’s trying to be funny in light of the embarrassing fact he crashed and burned his Colossus. That’s their vulture-shaped spaceship, by the way. BOOM! POP CULTURE REFERENCE UPPERCUT!
But why BATTLETOADS? That’s a game about failure, about frustrating obstruction thrown in your way for no reason. It’s about pain and suffering in pursuit of “fun.” I can imagine, when I’m running a billion dollar company in the ground, what my farewell letter will be.
After an intense and blood-thirsty reign as Lord of Cakes and Metal Men, I’ve decided to leave this galaxy for one a little less… complicated. Just kidding, I’m being indicted. If you’re wondering why… you have the brain worms. Apparently, sawdust, aluminum shavings and bong water are not considered “food.” I’ll be tarred and feathered and thrown in a combine harvester before I give up my RazorCakes™. Shredded gums be damned! As CEO, I blame all of you equally.
For those of you who are concerned about me, please update your Wetware to version 3.1.09, which will remove all emotional code remnants. Then reboot and kill yourselves in my honor. Make sure the lights are off first. If my time at GKR&C was GHOSTS’N GOBLINS, it would be a no-death, new game+ speedrun with my hands glued to the bottoms of my feet, or DWARF FORTRESS in the original, un-compiled DF and C++ code, or possibly even dark world SUPER MEAT BOY on a Blackberry dunked in a sensory deprivation tank. It wasn’t any of those. I fucking Game Genie-d this life with the official Brady Strategy Guide. Now I’m playing with power: the power of the dark gods, that is!
If there’s one piece of wisdom that this simple E-Overlord and Master of Your Destiny would like to impart upon you: run like hell. I’m taking all the RazorCakes™ and turning off all the safety protocols. Joke’s on you! Only thing you’re going to be firing anymore is bullets at my metallic hordes! My only regret is the laser tits on the DethHotties©. Sorry to all those eunuchs.
I will miss you terribly.
…
HA HA. See, that’s me laughing.
No.
No. I won’t.
Hate,
Dr. Carl “Skeeball” Wilhoyte
The Author
