Movies

Mal’s Cinematic Turkeys of 2011

Tis the season to be jolly… apparently, so deck the halls and blah, blah blah. While the whole world and it’s mother in-law are festively looking back at the best movies of the year, your resident snarky Brit here has decided to focus his crosshairs on the biggest stinkers of 2011. To be honest I really have been spoilt for choice as this year has provided some seriously duff lumps of cinematic crud. Thankfully I’ve avoided some of the bigger turkeys which have excreted in your local multiplex, but in this game you cant dodge every bullet fired. So feast your yuletide eyes below to find which movies I shall be stuffing in my christmas stocking and then setting on fire.

 


The Hangover II

I expected The Hangover II  to borrow a little something here and there from the original, I could have forgiven this with ease had they made that particular play. What I cant forgive however is paying to see the exact same movie set in a different country and with a few extra pages tacked onto the script. With less laughs than a veterinarian’s morgue and less originality than a hollywood boardroom, this boozy cash grab is our first turkey under fire.

 

Bridesmaids
On the topic of unfunny movies, despite being billed as the “comedy” of the year, to me the turd Maya Rudolph’s character leaves in the stereo,t has more comedic value than this drivel. Trite, cliched and painfully awkward, verging on drastically and pathetically embarrassing. How this movie got the recognition it did remains a bigger mystery than Bigfoot’s holiday home in Atlantis.

 

Sleeping Beauty
Pompous, pretentious bollocks posing as a subjective art film. Sleeping Beauty would have been barely enjoyable had I actually been asleep throughout it’s entirety.

 

Battle LA
The biggest budget B movie known to man features aliens which look like extractor fans wrapped in tin foil and acting which makes Keanu Reeves look like Daniel Day Lewis.

 

Scream 4
With Scream 4 Wes Craven not only jumped the shark, he came back to dry hump it in his audiences face. In fact he might as well have poured champagne over it’s nipples and then wiped it down with his box office profits.

 

 

Marcy Martha May Marlene
Cults are bad, but not as bad as pretentious, non existent stories which move slower than Kim Kardashian’s thought process. Murky, muddled and messy, Marcy Martha May Maylene marinade’s far too deeply in its own ambiguous melancholy to be considered even mildly interesting.

 

Cowboys and Aliens
Cowboys and pudding would have been a more interesting film, actually I take that back. A movie known simply as pudding would have been more interesting. A film that starts spinning every western cliche from the get go, soon unravels into a lame adventure riddled with inevitable plot points. Also this movie gets an extra dumb bonus for giving spaceships fishing lines and featuring Harrison Ford as some kind of mumbling, racist ,used car salesman/horse baron.

 

Melancholia
The high priest of pretentious film making Lars Von Trier took another failed stab at showing the world how clever he thinks he is this year  Although Melancholia is actually pretty good in comparison to his other cinematic slops of self masturbatory mess. It’s still a pretty horrible film, all of the characters bar John Hurt’s are utterly unlikeable, the pace is pretty non existent as is any relevant plot or character progression. The shots of Melancholia are lush but everything is pretty much fit for garbage disposal.

 

So there you go, a list of movies to be avoided like a Stephanie Meyer novel or the avian flu. Both of which can destroy a man from the inside and leave his insides exposed for hungry birds. Now that I’ve cleansed my heart, body and soul of such cinematic bacteria I’m off to watch Blue Valentine with Kirk Douglas and have a good cry.  

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The Author

Mal Foster

Mal Foster

Writer by day, ski mask wearing vigilante by night. I like bears, sarcasm and magic, not necessarily in that order. Rather fond of summer fruits mixed into some kind of refreshing juice, movies, music and videogames. Also I may not be entirely human. Visit my site - https://www.thespeakerboxbelow.com